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  • Writer's pictureDorell Green

The Boo Boo Bandit

Got to work this morning and felt some slight stomach discomfort. Those who know me, know that I don’t use public bathrooms unless it’s an emergency. I get back in my truck to head home so I can deal with this discomfort in the comfort of my own bathroom. By the time I get out of the parking lot, this slight discomfort turned into a 911 emergency. I’m a Project Manager on a large construction site. I debated for a second on using one of the porta potties but concluded, rather quickly, I’d rather shit my pants. I knew that I wouldn’t make it home in time. I saw the sign for Home Depot up the street. With limited options this was going to have to do.

When I went inside Home Depot bathroom I was pleasantly surprised at how clean it was. I had brought in some wipey’s I keep in my truck to clean off the toilet seat. After the toilet seat was clean I did what Nicole call’s building my nest. I surrounded the top of the toilet with toilet paper assuring my butt would not touch it. I gently sat down so as not to cause a breeze that would blow my work off the seat. As I got comfortable another person went into the stall next to me. I immediately get nervous. Using a public bathroom was rough enough, doing it in tandem with a poop buddy was to much.

I’m looking at this guys feet when he takes his shoes off. I thought it was weird but whatever works for him. Than he takes his socks off which was a little concerning but maybe thats how he gets down and needed good grip on the floor. Again, I’m not judging. Than I see his pants, underwear and shirt hit the floor. This person is now completely naked in the stall next to me. My first thought ”this is why I don’t use public bathrooms, I should have just shit my pants and went home.” He turns around and places some paper towels behind him. He than starts shitting on the paper towels while still standing up, with remarkable accuracy

I’m now trying to finish my pooh as quick and quiet as possible. I feared if he heard me in the stall next to him he’d murder the only witness to his floor act. I finish and quickly left (after washing my hands). I call Nicole and tell her what happened and she asked me why I didn’t wait to see what he did next, ummmmmm because he was obviously crazy and it was only going to get worse. He probably ate it and I would end up fighting some naked guy, with a crapstache, in a Home Depot bathroom. Needles to say from now on...I’m wearing a diaper. If I can’t make it home I’m shitting my pants. No more public bathrooms. I did take pics of his feet as this was occurring, just In case shit went sideways and I did end up fighting with the boo boo bandit. And also so Nicole couldn’t use my story as evidence that I shit on our bathroom wall. 🙂

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