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  • Writer's pictureDorell Green

Thanksgiving Day

I was reminiscing with my kids about a call I took on Thanksgiving that made them laugh. They thought it was one I should share so here it is.

On Thanksgiving Day I was dispatched to a family disturbance, which is a common call during this time of year. When my partner and I arrived, there were about 11 people standing outside a trailer. The trailer was old and rotted and the residents looked as if they shared one tooth between them. Based on their appearance I assumed they were not members of the progressive movement, so I told my partner he should do all the talking. They told my partner their son was causing a disturbance inside the trailer. He was trying to start fights with other family members and tried spitting on the food. As my partner was speaking with the family, someone from inside the trailer opens the door. Standing in the doorway was this 6’4, 260lb guy who looked like sloth from the Goonies (no mental disabilities, just ugly as sin).

He’s wearing a towel on his head and has his upper and partial lower half covered with a towel like a woman. His lower half wasn’t quite covered enough, you could see just a smidge of balls. I have a bad habit of laughing, even when the moment causes for seriousness. I lower my head into my vest to conceal my laughter. I knew what was about to happen, my partner who was a rookie had no idea. We approach and ask him to step outside. The guy tells us he wants to finish his shower than he will talk with us. My partner looks back at me and I shake my head, letting him know do not let Goonies go back in the trailer. After some back and forth the guy steps outside.

We tell him that based on his behavior we believed he posed a threat to others and we were taking him to the hospital to have an eval done. The guy immediately takes an aggressive stance, hands were up, and legs were spread. Now dick and balls are in full view and apparently joining the fight. It was a three on two fight, my partner and I against sloth and his genitals. As we try reasoning with the man, he takes a gargantuan shit. It was an immediate evacuation of an obscene amount of poo that made an audible noise as it hit the ground “wap”. I’m now laughing so hard I’m wiping tears off my face. My partners inexperience began to show.

Instead of using the tools at his disposal, he tackles the guy. As they’re rolling around, they go directly into this pile of human Clydesdale horse shit. Now my partner is covered in excrement, the family is yelling, dogs are barking, neighbors are coming out, curious wildlife have gathered around and I’m laughing so hard I can’t talk over the radio. I finally put an end to this circus with a tazer ride. As the guy is carted off by medical my pissed off partner, who is bedazzled in poop, glares at me. I say “that…shit…was hilarious. Welcome to the greatest show on earth.” He was mad at me for a little bit but eventually got over it 😊 HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

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