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  • Writer's pictureDorell Green

Shitty Pants

Nicole said I had to tell a embarrassing story about myself since I told the one about her getting poo on my thumb. This story starts with me playing football in Canada for the BC Lions. Nicole had graduated high school and was 8 months pregnant with Haylee baby. I hated being away from her and was miserable in Canada. I was living in the Corvette Hotel in British Columbia. It looked like something out of the seventies. There were old school corvettes inside the hotel, and old school pimps and prostitutes on the outside. My first week there I tore my hamstring. After being laid up in a bed for a couple of weeks I called Nicole and told her I was done, I wanted to come home. She told me to let my agent and coach's know and she would pick me up from the airport. She didn't say anything about how bad we needed the money and the opportunity I was throwing away, she told me everything would be ok and come home.

I flew home a few days later. Nicole picked me up from the airport. I had a severe limp and felt like I’d let me family down. Without saying a word, Nicole smiled and gave me a simple kiss on the lips. she moved into my apartment that weekend and we settled in as a domestic couple. One of the first things we did together was go grocery shopping at Safeway. We were extremely broke and our budget consisted of spaghetti, spaghetti sauce, salad, cereal, soft pretzels and juice. Despite our financial woes, I was excited to have my best friend living with me. I was raised alone, for the most part it was always just me, my mom and my dad traveling the world.

During our Safeway shopping outing I was having some minor stomach issues. I veered off to find some privacy to relieve some of the pressure. I found an unoccupied isle and slowly walked down it as I released with each step. As I got to the end and pushed out the last bit, I felt something uncomfortable in my pants, I felt wet shit...I shit myself...a lot. I started to panic, this was to new of a relationship for me to introduce this into it. Nicole came into the isle, I’m thinking “I know she smells it, say something.” The only thing I can come up with was “oops”. I’m assuming she figured I just farted and moved on. The ride back home was silent. I rode side saddle with the windows down. I was coming up with a plan to dispose of the evidence when we got back to our apartment.

my brilliant plan was to hide them deep in the laundry basket and wash them at a later date. A few days later I’m laying In bed watching tv. Nicole flicks on the lights and stares at me. She takes a breath and produces from behind her back my shitty underwear at the end of pen. Shit, I forgot to wash them. I start explaining what happened at Safeway and how embarrassed I was and didn’t know what she would think and it was an accident. I’m thinking she’s going to break up with me and when people ask what happened I’ll have to explained it was because I shit myself in isle 6 of a Safeway store. With a look of pity on her face she says “I grabbed them with my bare hands, why didn’t you just throw them away?” Because I didn’t think that far a head babe and I’m not used to having someone living with me. I apologized that she barehanded my shitty underwear and promised it wouldn't happen again. In just a few weeks time Nicole dealt with me quitting football and shitting my pants and never wavered in our relationship.

we’ve been together 22 years and now every time I say “oops” she asks me if I shit myself, which usually means I did 😁. If you cant shit yourself in front of your spouse than you’re not in a real relationship lol.

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