• Dorell Green

Doo Doo Foot

Updated: Jul 16, 2019

I get home from work and I discover a toilet full of poop. I flush the toilet and it’s clogged. I go downstairs to tell Nicole about the toilet situation, mainly so she can’t blame it on me.

As we’re talking she yells “whats that!”. I turn around and see water coming through the vents onto the kitchen floor. We run upstairs and find our entire bathroom floor flooded with water. Without hesitation Nicole runs into the bathroom and grabs towels to dry the floor. I’m frozen with fear. I saw the shit in the toilet and know that’s shitty water she’s wading in.

I scan the floor for the turds I saw in the toilet. Nicole looks back at me and gives me the “get your ass in here and help” look. She’s wearing nothing but slides and the water is covering her feet. She has doo doo feet and doesn’t care. I’m not that brave. I tell her to hold on and run into the closet to grab some old sneakers. I have to gather all my courage before entering.

the sound of the toilet water hitting my shoes made me want to vomit. Nicole, the trooper she is, was scooping up the towels with her bare hands and placing them in the bath tub. Again she looks back at me for help. Picking up the towels was where I drew the line. She asked me what I would do if she wasn’t there, I reply “simple...move.” She’s points at me with the shitty finger and wags it at me. I’ve Always been clutch under pressure. My mind is racing with a way for me to help without getting fecal particles on me. Than it hits me, the carpet cleaner.

I go downstairs and get the carpet cleaner and start sucking up the water. It was working and I was doing my part as the husband and protector, without compromising myself by touching the water. While Nicole was pouring out the dirty water into the tub, I felt something hit my bottom lip. OH...MY...GOD I yell. You did that on purpose. I run to the sink and scrub my face with hand soap as she laughed.

My reaction may seem like over kill but if you saw what was in the toilet you would have done the same. This was not normal poop. It was dark, looked like black kryptonite. For those of you who are not Superman fans here’s the definition of black kryptonite “ Black Kryptonite is a form of refined Kryptonite that can separate the personalities of a single being into two separate beings. This Kryptonite is created by heating Green Kryptonite to extremely high temperatures.” So this was some other worldly stuff in the toilet. Whoever brought this into the world needed some medical help. I was worried that it was Nicole or Haylee and was going to rush whichever one of them it was to the hospital. They both told me it wasn’t them. This left Evan or Gavin. I assumed it was Gavin since he is also my primary suspect for shitting on our wall.

After we get the floor dry and thoroughly moped, I lean over and whisper to Nicole “where‘d the poop go?” I never saw it on the floor. She says “it’s still in the toilet.” I love her bravery but I’ll never look at her hands or feet the same way again. She will forever be known as doo doo foot. And I did throw away those shoes 🙂.