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  • Writer's pictureDorell Green

Mystery Pooper

Updated: Jul 14, 2019

A few days ago I get a call from Nicole at work. She asked me if I used the bathroom before I left for work and I tell her no. She sends me a picture of something on the wall in our bathroom. I asked what it is was and she says "a piece of shit". Someone shit on our wall, in our bathroom, near the toilet. Despite having three bathrooms in the house, everyone uses ours. Nicole asked me if I was sure it wasn't me. I asked her if she sure it was shit, did she smell it to confirm what it was.

She than says maybe I was wiping and ”accidentally” flung it on the wall, which was insulting. Now she was accusing me of flinging shit like a crazy person. Again I tell her I didn’t shit on the wall and definitely didn’t fling it and she hasn’t even confirmed if it was actually poo.

As a former crime scene investigator I know the importance of verifying the validity of evidence. Nicole said she's positive it's shit and she's not going to smell it. I profess my innocence which was a weird conversation, trying to convince my wife of 23 years that I did not shit on our wall. I spend the rest of the day thinking about it. I start to wonder if it was me. I'm getting older, forgetting things, I do take my morning poops before work. This was the only morning I haven't taken one in a while. Maybe I did shit on the wall, and blocked it out from the shame.

When I get home I ask Nicole if she talked to the kids about it, which she hadn't. I was suspect number one. I'm offended that she didn't at least consider one of the boys as the culprit or even one of the dogs. I wouldn't put it past any of them to shit on the wall. I began questioning the kids as they got home. First was Gavin, he's in our bathroom the most. Gavin only gave me a puzzled look when I asked him. He shook his head, said it wasn't him and walked off. Next was Evan. Evan did his nervous laughter, he does this whenever I question him about something stupid he did. I'm thinking he's the bandit.

To be fair, I even question Haylee. Haylee offered no response to my interrogation, no rebuttal, just her trademark smirk. Than it hit me, maybe it was Nicole who shitted on the wall and was trying to throw me off her tracks. She knew that when I got home and walked through the door, I would sense something was off in the house. It's like farting in a group of people than asking who did it to throw them off your tracks. The area was thoroughly cleaned so I was unable to process it, she's covering her tracks well. Anyway, the case of the mystery pooper is still active pending further investigation.

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